you can have whatever you like.

though tired, i've been in kind of a fantastic mood all afternoon. the sun came out today and it was absolutely marvelous. i wrote my "peace out, motherfuckers" email to my office to inform all of the staff of my modified schedule – which i got! – and my last day [28 may]. i strategically dropped my grad school plans and upcoming trip to honolulu. i had some really excellent interactions with fellow staff members and interns today.

dance class number two was yesterday. i'm sore, but not as sore as i was last friday. i did much better with pole climbing, i think. i'm possibly getting the hang of it. my arms are less hurty, but my inner thighs are not happy with me. i'm so excited for next week's class. after the eight week cycle ends in may, i kind of want to sign up for another eight weeks. i guess we'll see that goes. it's another $250 and, if i have any hope of affording leather retreat in june – for which registration just opened today – i don't know if that's feasible. this weekend, i should really sit down and figure out exactly how much money i'll need this summer to live and how much i'll need to do some or all of the things that i want to do.

i think i've gained back all of the weight i lost too quickly last month. a friend who visited from seattle on tuesday – the source of my wednesday morning hangover at work – said that i look thin, but healthy and that i must have looked not very healthy last month when i was maybe ten pounds lighter. i avoided weighing myself during that time – thankfully – because would have made me obsess over a number that would be impossible to maintain without serious lifestyle adjustment [like, i love eating late at night, i love fats and dairy products, i love eating whatever i want whenever the fuck i want]. it bugs me that this weight thing bugs me. charles – who, when told of their recent disappearance, insisted that he loved my breasts as they were when i was heavier – is coming next week. he appreciates my body. i might even say that he likes it. that was ridiculously, unfortunately, unfairly hard to type. deep deep deep down, i know he likes the shape of me and i have a hard time admitting that because i often don't like the shape of myself. this thing is beautiful and strong and i can't even internalize and revel in that on a consistent basis. that someone is soon going to see me naked does nothing to put my body issues at ease. i've got six or seven days until i see him. i am contemplating actions that i know are disordered and i am trying very hard to fight them. i'm going to try not to completely pick myself apart over this little fluctuation. i knew the loss was not sustainable, but i secretly hoped that i'd magically stay that way.

my period has not really come this month. it was due on monday. since my iud implantation, my periods have come on those days instead of fridays or saturdays. i've had cramps on and off for a couple of weeks. i bled once on wednesday – literally! – and have not bled since. before leaving work that day, i went to pee and was almost disappointed to not see any blood in my underwear. i peed and took a crap and noticed blood on the toilet paper and in the bowl [yes, i always check my toilet paper before putting it in the toilet because i am obsessed with the color and consistency of my waste products]. finally, thought i, my period is here. that was it, though. no more blood. i usually have two weeks of spotting with a few days of serious bleeding in the first week. with this week having supposed to have been the first week, i'm wary of bloody surprises over the next few days/next week.

i have a lot of things to do this weekend [this list is more for me than for you, my five or fewer trusty readers]:

clean clean clean clean clean [finally!], laundry, take shit to the goodwill and shelter, buy new sheets [?], ask jon to fix my bike, go for a bike ride, meet michael one more time before he leaves for maine on sunday morning, celebrate a friend's birthday tomorrow night, do some computer maintenance, research buying a new laptop, download a few songs that have been in my head, make a fiscal plan for the next few months [i hate the word "budget."], mail my enrollment stuff to iowa, finish up the website, post an ad, send all of the personal emails on which i am delinquent, and, if i'm feeling charitable, do some work emailing.

phew. i think, for now, that i will just take a vicodin and a shower. i should have stopped at trader joe's for a bottle of wine. maybe it's better that i not drink tonight. tomorrow will be epic and i'm already planning on having a hangover on sunday [though, i'd prefer not to].