a synopsis of my day, which was positively quaint and incredibly special:
-wake up at 7am, again [damn you, sunshine!].
-scan the nyt, do work emails, do some general morning internet-ing.
-get out of bed.
-think about how to start the day and decide on vicodin.
-text back and forth with my waxer to set an appointment for this evening.
-debate going to the gym, but call a friend for lunch, instead.
-transfers playlists from my ipod to my itunes and re-sync the former to the latter [listened to a lot of portishead today].
-while waiting, take half an ativan and a handful of bong rips.
-bike to my old place of employ. make nice with some nice people.
-eat thai food, gossip, and get good friend love from hanging out with my friend.
-lay on a lawn in a bikini for a couple of hours; re-read volume one of sandman.
-bike to the house i'm housesitting and feed the cat i'm catsitting. drink a beer. explore my temporary home away from home.
-start biking home, but decide to make a pitstop.
-get a pedicure [<3 sparkly red toes!].
-bike home.
-bike to the bus stop to catch the bus to my waxer. notice that the bus won't come for a spell and i'm running late.
-book a z-car by phone.
-bike home for directions.
-take half an ativan.
-bike to the car.
-drive to my waxer's place; feel pain and get more love from an awesome lady with wonderful energy.
-drive to tomorrow's incall and check-in; get upgraded to a suite. leave.
-drop off car.
-bike home.
-make grown up lemonade with freshly squeezed lemon juice, agave nectar, club soda, and tequila.
-drink.
-bike to the bank and back.
-take off the day's bikini; write this semi-ridiculous post and rip a few tubes; get into bed.
i was going to eat some cherries and watch firefly, but i've actually decided to watch porn, masturbate, and go to sleep early. a truly excellent, relaxing, productive day. after the past two weeks – which were incredibly busy – it's nice to have some downtime reserved for dicking around, psychonaut-ing, and enjoying the sun. i biked a lot today and it was super nice. not always easy and a lot sweaty, but, still, fucking awesome. using coco is so fast – even though she's slow and heavy as hell – and it gives me a sense of accomplishment when i get somewhere on her. plus, my thighs and ass are kind of amazing right now.
for shits and giggles, my "heavyrotation: playlist [made fresh this morning]:
Postcards From Italy - Beirut
A Summer Wasting - Belle & Sebastian
True Affection - The Blow
Forests and Sands - Camera Obscura
Boys Don't Cry - The Cure
Hope - Descendents
He Doesnt Know Why - Fleet Foxes
Lover, You Should Have Come Over - Jeff Buckley
I Know We Could Be So Happy Baby (If We Wanted To Be) - Jeff Buckley
I'm Good, I'm Gone - Lykke Li
Let It Fall - Lykke Li
My - Lykke Li
Love Will Tear Us Apart - Nouvelle Vague
I've Got Your Number - Passion Pit
Mysterons - Portishead
It Could Be Sweet - Portishead
It's A Fire - Portishead
Biscuit - Portishead
Glory Box - Portishead
Only You [live] - Portishead
RoboCop - Kanye West
Remind Me - Röyksopp
This Charming Man - The Smiths
Same In the End - Sublime
Doin' Time - Sublime
Out of the Races and Onto the Tracks - The Rapture
Tell It To My Heart - Taylor Dayne
Everything She Wants - Wham!
Read More......
20 July 2009
15 July 2009
"as enobarbus said about cleopatra, allegra, you are the taste that never cloys."
today's free will astrology was, as always, rather helpful. i am scribbling, scribbling, scribbling in my notebook because charles is gone and i'm having all sorts of feelings and i wasn't really dealing with them. this space has been so empty for the past few months because, where i used to put my feelings and thoughts here, i am now putting them in writing or actually sharing them with people. amazing!
I invite you to write down brief descriptions of the five most pleasurable moments you've ever experienced in your life. Let your imagination dwell lovingly on these memories for, say, 20 minutes. And keep them close to the surface of your awareness in the week ahead. If you ever catch yourself slipping into a negative train of thought, interrupt it immediately and compel yourself to fantasize about those Big Five Ecstatic Moments. This exercise will be an excellent way to prime yourself for a New Age of Unhurried Bliss and Gentle Beauty, which I predict is just ahead for you. If you can keep the morose part of your mind quiet, there's a good chance you will stir up a new ecstatic experience that will belong near the top of your all-time list.
i'm feeling more calm now. i've been listening to fleet foxes' "he doesn't know why" on repeat for the past hour or so. i wasn't sure if i'd need a cry tonight or not. i don't think i do. Read More......
I invite you to write down brief descriptions of the five most pleasurable moments you've ever experienced in your life. Let your imagination dwell lovingly on these memories for, say, 20 minutes. And keep them close to the surface of your awareness in the week ahead. If you ever catch yourself slipping into a negative train of thought, interrupt it immediately and compel yourself to fantasize about those Big Five Ecstatic Moments. This exercise will be an excellent way to prime yourself for a New Age of Unhurried Bliss and Gentle Beauty, which I predict is just ahead for you. If you can keep the morose part of your mind quiet, there's a good chance you will stir up a new ecstatic experience that will belong near the top of your all-time list.
i'm feeling more calm now. i've been listening to fleet foxes' "he doesn't know why" on repeat for the past hour or so. i wasn't sure if i'd need a cry tonight or not. i don't think i do. Read More......
14 July 2009
stuff and things
charles is gone for the week and i'm floundering a bit. i'm working every day this week except for thursday. i registered for summer camp, which is the really exciting news.
Read More......
25 June 2009
"god, where were you twenty years ago?" "i was four."
it's my birthday!
it's my birthday!
it's my birthday!
i had a wonderful appointment. i had a delicious, $200 dinner and fun sex and awesome, intelligent, hilarious conversation and i got $750 for the whole thing [caution: this sentence is not grammatically correct]. sessions like this one are why i love this job. hell, it even ended on time. i'm still a tidbit drunk from the amazing bottle of wine i shared with my new friend. i texted charles when i got home and told him all of those things plus "i was just thinking about how much i love you and how rad it is that i can say that without things getting all weird. i'm excited for super emo fun tomorrow!" i totally need to hit the sack. Read More......
it's my birthday!
it's my birthday!
i had a wonderful appointment. i had a delicious, $200 dinner and fun sex and awesome, intelligent, hilarious conversation and i got $750 for the whole thing [caution: this sentence is not grammatically correct]. sessions like this one are why i love this job. hell, it even ended on time. i'm still a tidbit drunk from the amazing bottle of wine i shared with my new friend. i texted charles when i got home and told him all of those things plus "i was just thinking about how much i love you and how rad it is that i can say that without things getting all weird. i'm excited for super emo fun tomorrow!" i totally need to hit the sack. Read More......
24 June 2009
"point 1a: i'm not as dumb as i look."
this week's free will astrology:
"His heart was growing full of broken wings and artificial flowers," wrote poet Federico Garcia Lorca. "In his mouth, just one small word was left." There were times during the first half of June when I was tempted to borrow those words to describe you, Cancerian. Now, thankfully, you're moving into a much brighter phase. The buds that are about to bloom in your heart are very much alive, not artificial, and your wings, while not fully restored to strength, are healing. Meanwhile, your mouth is even now being replenished with a fresh supply of many vivid words.
yesterday, charles and i had the talk. i've been calling it the "i kind of love you" talk because, well, that's what i could get out. "don't take this the wrong way. [hemming and hawing for a few minutes] okay, don't take this the wrong way and don't freak out, but i kind of love you." and then i told him that i didn't need anything to change, but that i wanted him to know what my feelings are because i'm attempting to live more authentically and i think it's important for me to call a spade a spade. the conversation went very well. it's not taking up space and becoming its own entity within our relationship, but, to use charles' metaphor, it's just rippling across the body of water that is us. the subject is the beginning of the response he gave me after i told him.
at one point he said, mirroring my terminology, "well, if you kind of love me, then i kind of love you, too." i laughed. i laughed and laughed. he said a lot of thoughtful things about our relationship and i love that he's obviously been thinking about it as much as i have. i'm excited to talk more with him about it tomorrow.
i've got to get ready for an appointment [dinner at clarklewis with a client and then my first outcall since i've gotten back in the game]. tomorrow is my birthday. i'm going to pick strawberries at my csa and make jam with my housemate, i'm going to go to dance class, and i'm going to stay up all night rolling with charles. for my birthday, i've requested that we go to olympia this weekend to see amelia the psychic palm reader. my life is really great right now. really, really, really great. Read More......
"His heart was growing full of broken wings and artificial flowers," wrote poet Federico Garcia Lorca. "In his mouth, just one small word was left." There were times during the first half of June when I was tempted to borrow those words to describe you, Cancerian. Now, thankfully, you're moving into a much brighter phase. The buds that are about to bloom in your heart are very much alive, not artificial, and your wings, while not fully restored to strength, are healing. Meanwhile, your mouth is even now being replenished with a fresh supply of many vivid words.
yesterday, charles and i had the talk. i've been calling it the "i kind of love you" talk because, well, that's what i could get out. "don't take this the wrong way. [hemming and hawing for a few minutes] okay, don't take this the wrong way and don't freak out, but i kind of love you." and then i told him that i didn't need anything to change, but that i wanted him to know what my feelings are because i'm attempting to live more authentically and i think it's important for me to call a spade a spade. the conversation went very well. it's not taking up space and becoming its own entity within our relationship, but, to use charles' metaphor, it's just rippling across the body of water that is us. the subject is the beginning of the response he gave me after i told him.
at one point he said, mirroring my terminology, "well, if you kind of love me, then i kind of love you, too." i laughed. i laughed and laughed. he said a lot of thoughtful things about our relationship and i love that he's obviously been thinking about it as much as i have. i'm excited to talk more with him about it tomorrow.
i've got to get ready for an appointment [dinner at clarklewis with a client and then my first outcall since i've gotten back in the game]. tomorrow is my birthday. i'm going to pick strawberries at my csa and make jam with my housemate, i'm going to go to dance class, and i'm going to stay up all night rolling with charles. for my birthday, i've requested that we go to olympia this weekend to see amelia the psychic palm reader. my life is really great right now. really, really, really great. Read More......
22 June 2009
long paragraphs that tell you how i've been.
this past week's free will astrology:
We ask that you not divulge the climax of the epic story to anyone -- at least until you've let it sink in for a while and felt all the reverberations it has unleashed. After that, you'll be wise to speak about it only with skilled listeners and empathetic allies who can help you harvest the meaning of all the clues that were packed inside your adventures. One further counsel: Before you reach the absolute, final denouement of the drama, there may be a tricky turn that looks a lot like the ending.
charles has been here since tuesday night. we have been together way more often than not since he picked me up a little before 4pm on wednesday. i practiced the talk that i want to have with him; it came out rather naturally. i'm feeling rather powerful today, and i think i'm sufficiently prepared to tell him the things that i need to say, the things that i think our relationship needs to hear.
i just finished the ethical slut. i'm reading a lot. we've read aloud to each other the past few days, which i absolutely love. my hard drive died the friday before last and i've temporarily lost all of my data. anything that isn't on a disk or the internet [read: everything] is sitting on my old hard drive, which is sitting on my desk. it's going to cost me $1800-2700 to get my data back and i can't really afford that right now, so i paid the $250 to get to the computron serviced [data recovery attempt + the cost of a new hard drive and its installation]. all of my music is on my ipod, thank the watchmaker, so i've got access to that. i've got a working laptop, but it's not my working machine [in that it devoid of all of my files], so i've been avoiding doing anything but the essentials [besides, i have to update everything]. i've mostly been too busy reading books [!!!] and hanging out with charles [!!!!!].
so, as my tiny readership knows, i am completely in love with this man. the sex that we have has gotten better and better, we've become more and more emotionally intimate, and we've shown great dedication to doing the things that it takes to cultivate our relation-/friendship. i've realized, finally, that every time we are in the same city, the familiarity and affection between us grows [duh. deep thoughts from allegra]. more kissing, more reassuring kisses on body parts other than lips, more looking at each other and smiling wordlessly, more snuggling in bed....you get the idea. noticing that and honoring all of that will, i think, make things between us less difficult and awkward. i'm not interested in letting this relationship take a shape that does not suit it, but pretending that we're just friends and that this friendship is no different from our other friendships is completely ludicrous. it increases the ridiculousness and the non-fun shenanigans. so, i'm starting the conversation about this tonight [or the next time we hang out]. saying that gives me déjà vu because i tried very hard to formulate a plan regarding charles and stick with it in december, but i "failed miserably," meaning that it didn't work out the way i planned, but our relationship still improved and strengthened [see: anything tagged with "self-cockblocking"].
stella, who is off starting her graduate school program, sent me the most wonderful email the other day. she said:
I was reading through some old emails and I found this, languishing in my inbox:
the working title sucks, but this piece had been untitled for almost
two years, so i had to come up with something temporary. there are
typos. there are a lot of places that are too much tell and not
enough show. i'm working on those. the ending is unfinished. the
whole goddamn thing feel self-indulgent and masturbatory. i want you
to be very honest, stella. as honest as you can be without being
cruel. type your comments in in a different color and save as "stella
her edit," please. i don't want to be melodramatic about this, stella,
or put any unnecessary pressure on you, but i think we both
understand what is at stake here and i want to be upfront with you
because that's how our burgeoning friendship should be. i don't share
my stories with anyone. i can count the number of people who have
read my work outside of class on one hand [a maimed hand with only two
fingers even]. i don't really trust anyone. i am trusting you and
this is a leap for me. you've trusted me to read your blog and i know
that you are a different person from the one who injured me the last
time i trusted you. i am still scared, scared, scared of sending you
this, though, so...so...be kind, okay? now i feel like both an idiot
and an asshole for writing this paragraph, but i can't delete it, so
take it as you will [hopefully, not with malice because none is
intended].
Do you remember this girl?
I do ... barely. You're so different than you were a few months ago.
How blessed I am to know you now, and how blessed to have seen the
profound changes that have taken place in you.
I hope you're having fun with Charles, loving and being loved.
stella's totally right, you know. in the past week, i've taken to verbally correcting myself almost every time i have a negative thought about myself. i saw a palm-reading psychic last weekend and she told me a lot of truths. if you're ever in the olympia farmers' market, go see amelia. she'll give you a dose of reality. there's also a lot of really tasty shit there [find the bakery that sells the almond and marzipan horns!].
i wrote down the major themes in amelia's reading because the friend who took me there recommended it and i wanted to make sure that i would truly ingest its meaning. i'm a bit too lazy to type them up right now, but will probably devote a post to it sometime in the future.
I saw two clients last week and have another appointment set up for wednesday. business is not ridiculously brisk, but i kind of prefer it this way. i'm able to pay for necessities and indulgences, but i still have a lot of free time. i'm glad that this is working out.
a couple of days ago, we were sitting around in the almost-dark and charles played me this gorgeous billie holiday song. i had never heard it before and i tried not to read to much into it, but it was also hard to not take it as a little bit of a sign:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8DMDUiNkeEA
I need your love so badly
I love you oh so madly
But I don't stand a ghost of a chance with you
I thought at last I found you
But other loves surround you
And I don't stand a ghost of a chance with you
If you'd surrender
Just for a tender
Kiss or two
You might discover
That I'm the lover
Meant for you
And I'd be true
But what's the good of scheming
I'm dreaming
For I don't stand a ghost of a chance with you
Cause I don't stand
A ghost of a chance
With you
i think that, if we can get on the same page, there will be no need for guessing and the divination of signs. i'll be twenty-five in two days. growing up is oscillating between feeling super scary and feeling like the best thing in the world right now. Read More......
We ask that you not divulge the climax of the epic story to anyone -- at least until you've let it sink in for a while and felt all the reverberations it has unleashed. After that, you'll be wise to speak about it only with skilled listeners and empathetic allies who can help you harvest the meaning of all the clues that were packed inside your adventures. One further counsel: Before you reach the absolute, final denouement of the drama, there may be a tricky turn that looks a lot like the ending.
charles has been here since tuesday night. we have been together way more often than not since he picked me up a little before 4pm on wednesday. i practiced the talk that i want to have with him; it came out rather naturally. i'm feeling rather powerful today, and i think i'm sufficiently prepared to tell him the things that i need to say, the things that i think our relationship needs to hear.
i just finished the ethical slut. i'm reading a lot. we've read aloud to each other the past few days, which i absolutely love. my hard drive died the friday before last and i've temporarily lost all of my data. anything that isn't on a disk or the internet [read: everything] is sitting on my old hard drive, which is sitting on my desk. it's going to cost me $1800-2700 to get my data back and i can't really afford that right now, so i paid the $250 to get to the computron serviced [data recovery attempt + the cost of a new hard drive and its installation]. all of my music is on my ipod, thank the watchmaker, so i've got access to that. i've got a working laptop, but it's not my working machine [in that it devoid of all of my files], so i've been avoiding doing anything but the essentials [besides, i have to update everything]. i've mostly been too busy reading books [!!!] and hanging out with charles [!!!!!].
so, as my tiny readership knows, i am completely in love with this man. the sex that we have has gotten better and better, we've become more and more emotionally intimate, and we've shown great dedication to doing the things that it takes to cultivate our relation-/friendship. i've realized, finally, that every time we are in the same city, the familiarity and affection between us grows [duh. deep thoughts from allegra]. more kissing, more reassuring kisses on body parts other than lips, more looking at each other and smiling wordlessly, more snuggling in bed....you get the idea. noticing that and honoring all of that will, i think, make things between us less difficult and awkward. i'm not interested in letting this relationship take a shape that does not suit it, but pretending that we're just friends and that this friendship is no different from our other friendships is completely ludicrous. it increases the ridiculousness and the non-fun shenanigans. so, i'm starting the conversation about this tonight [or the next time we hang out]. saying that gives me déjà vu because i tried very hard to formulate a plan regarding charles and stick with it in december, but i "failed miserably," meaning that it didn't work out the way i planned, but our relationship still improved and strengthened [see: anything tagged with "self-cockblocking"].
stella, who is off starting her graduate school program, sent me the most wonderful email the other day. she said:
I was reading through some old emails and I found this, languishing in my inbox:
the working title sucks, but this piece had been untitled for almost
two years, so i had to come up with something temporary. there are
typos. there are a lot of places that are too much tell and not
enough show. i'm working on those. the ending is unfinished. the
whole goddamn thing feel self-indulgent and masturbatory. i want you
to be very honest, stella. as honest as you can be without being
cruel. type your comments in in a different color and save as "stella
her edit," please. i don't want to be melodramatic about this, stella,
or put any unnecessary pressure on you, but i think we both
understand what is at stake here and i want to be upfront with you
because that's how our burgeoning friendship should be. i don't share
my stories with anyone. i can count the number of people who have
read my work outside of class on one hand [a maimed hand with only two
fingers even]. i don't really trust anyone. i am trusting you and
this is a leap for me. you've trusted me to read your blog and i know
that you are a different person from the one who injured me the last
time i trusted you. i am still scared, scared, scared of sending you
this, though, so...so...be kind, okay? now i feel like both an idiot
and an asshole for writing this paragraph, but i can't delete it, so
take it as you will [hopefully, not with malice because none is
intended].
Do you remember this girl?
I do ... barely. You're so different than you were a few months ago.
How blessed I am to know you now, and how blessed to have seen the
profound changes that have taken place in you.
I hope you're having fun with Charles, loving and being loved.
stella's totally right, you know. in the past week, i've taken to verbally correcting myself almost every time i have a negative thought about myself. i saw a palm-reading psychic last weekend and she told me a lot of truths. if you're ever in the olympia farmers' market, go see amelia. she'll give you a dose of reality. there's also a lot of really tasty shit there [find the bakery that sells the almond and marzipan horns!].
i wrote down the major themes in amelia's reading because the friend who took me there recommended it and i wanted to make sure that i would truly ingest its meaning. i'm a bit too lazy to type them up right now, but will probably devote a post to it sometime in the future.
I saw two clients last week and have another appointment set up for wednesday. business is not ridiculously brisk, but i kind of prefer it this way. i'm able to pay for necessities and indulgences, but i still have a lot of free time. i'm glad that this is working out.
a couple of days ago, we were sitting around in the almost-dark and charles played me this gorgeous billie holiday song. i had never heard it before and i tried not to read to much into it, but it was also hard to not take it as a little bit of a sign:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8DMDUiNkeEA
I need your love so badly
I love you oh so madly
But I don't stand a ghost of a chance with you
I thought at last I found you
But other loves surround you
And I don't stand a ghost of a chance with you
If you'd surrender
Just for a tender
Kiss or two
You might discover
That I'm the lover
Meant for you
And I'd be true
But what's the good of scheming
I'm dreaming
For I don't stand a ghost of a chance with you
Cause I don't stand
A ghost of a chance
With you
i think that, if we can get on the same page, there will be no need for guessing and the divination of signs. i'll be twenty-five in two days. growing up is oscillating between feeling super scary and feeling like the best thing in the world right now. Read More......
17 June 2009
so, i got a really great review at work...
i've gotten an excellent, excellent, excellent review from a hobbyist i saw yesterday. it's rather explicit, because those are the kinds of reviews he writes, so click through at your own discretion. our session was and continues to be a total ego boost.
Name: Allegra.
Website: [redacted]
Phone: She’ll give it to you after email or PM contact.
E-Mail: [redacted]
On Time: Yes.
Incall/Outcall: Incall.
General Location: Rose Quarter.
Age: 24.
Height: 5’6”.
Weight: 150.
Body Type: HWP.
Hair Color: Black.
Hair Length: Braided, relatively short.
Bra Size: 34C.
Looks Like Photos: Yes, although she posts no face pictures, and that conceals the fact that she is very beautiful.
Rate Overall Appearance: Simply gorgeous.
FS: Yes.
PSE or GFE: GFE (without BBBJ – see below).
Kisses: DFK.
French: Yes.
Cover/Uncover: Covered.
DATY: She insists on it.
Greek: Yes.
Refills: Yes, and, mirabile dictu, she managed to get two out of me, unheard of for the last 5-6 years.
Smokes: No.
Atmosphere: Deligthtful.
Personality: Brilliant, witty, sassy yet exquisitely submissive, utterly accommodating, thoroughly intriguing, one of the most fascinating women I've ever met.
Comments:
I met Allegra at a THH M&G. I was talking with BBW Veronica when this strikingly attractive young black woman wandered over an introduced herself to us. Being the sarcastic wise-ass that she is, Veronica mentioned that I was attracted only to women with very high IQs or who had studied Russian literature. Allegra never missed a beat, replying that Russian literature had been a major focus of her undergraduate degree. I couldn't resist -- knowing that providers in the past had given the impression of higher intellectual attainments than the truth could sustain -- "Vyi govoritye pa-russki?" [Do you speak Russian?] I asked. Without so much as a moment's pause, Allegra replied: "Da, pravilno, ya govoryu pa-russki" [Yes, correct, I speak Russian]. Veronica's jaw dropped in amazement (she really was thinking to bust my bollocks about my attraction to brainy women), and I was instantly smitten hard.
We retreated to the patio for privacy and talked for almost an hour. Until a couple of weeks before she had been a relatively senior administrator at a local college, having snagged the position almost immediately after graduation by virtue of her brilliance and a talent for organisation. She had left that post as she was preparing to move across the country, having been admitted to one of the most prestigious graduate programs in the nation in her chosen field, creative writing. She was filling in her summer before leaving with a foray into sex work. She told me that she had supplemented her income as an undergraduate with some sex work and that she had developed a taste for it, thinking someday to write something significant about her experiences. She was articulate, elegant, cultured -- in short exactly the sort of woman who sets me salivating with desire.
And we clicked. Oh, how we clicked. Her politics were leftist, as are mine. She knew who Anatoly Lunacharsky and Alexandra Kollontai were -- Bolsheviks who were active in cultural work after the Bolshevik revolution, ardent advocates of sex-positive feminism, and architects of the Free Love agenda in the Bolshevik Party (and it's damned rare you encounter a woman to whom those are household names). She'd done her senior thesis on an important early Soviet film and knew the politics of cultural questions in pre-Stalinist Russia intimately. She was finishing my sentences for me and I hers for her before the hour was out. I was utterly, abjectly charmed by this dark lady (Shakespearean allusion intended). I knew that I had to have her.
She messaged the day after the M&G, thanking me for the wonderful time we had had chatting, and inviting me to look at her website. I did, and I was thunderstruck. She advertises herself as "kink-friendly" and a number of photos on her website display her lovely body in various bondage positions. The words, Oh, fuckkkkk" literally passed my lips. She says she is a switch, but has mainly explored her submissive side. I've been a dominant in the leather community for almost thirty-five years. We had even more in common than I had thought. We commenced a correspondence and settled on a meeting time. I fell ill just before and had to reschedule. She was completely understanding.
The day we had set came and I arrived at the door to her hotel room. She opened the door, greeting me in a lovely little summer dress -- an LFK as she closed the door and we hugged. She showed me to the bed, bade me take a seat. We chatted a bit, and she helped me take off my clothes, hanging them up. I really like that in a provider, the attention to detail, the harbinger of service to come. She pointed out that she had brought a number of BDSM toys with her if we chose to enjoy them.
I should posit this here and now. Allegra and I were almost magically sympatico, almost mind-melded. Perhaps for others there may be an element of YMMV, but my experience was that she was desire incarnate and I was overjoyed to discover that, as high as my expectations had been, she exceeded them in every dimension.
She slipped off her dress, then straddled me as I sat on the edge of the bed. For the first time I observed that her nipples were pierced with barbell piercings (which made things more interesting still as manipulated and pinched those nipples later). She kissed me, long, deep French kisses, kisses which probed my mouth so deeply I thought she was seeking out my soul. Her technique is ardent, enthusiastic, drawing her partner into lengthy exchanges of lingual caresses. She had a mastery of perfect timing, teasing, hesitant, then demanding, then inviting. I could have happily spent eternity kissing her.
Her arms went around me, embracing; I ran my fingers up and down her sides. And then I made a discovery which surprised and thrilled me: she does not shave her armpits. As I've mentioned here before, I grew up in the UK, the son of an American defence contractor who traveled around Europe building facilities for the USAF. When I was growing up in the 1950s and 1960s, British women -- and, indeed, European women in general -- tended not to shave their underarms. As a consequence I came into my sexuality with a strong association between the hint of sex and tufts of hair peeking out from underarms. That fetish remains rather strong for me, and I was intoxicated to learn that, unknown to me, Allegra embodied that fetish of my youth. I took my time to explore her body.
Eventually I leaned back, drawing her onto me, kissing her again and again. She reached for a cover and slipped between my legs. Normally I eschew anything but a BBBJ, since I'm diabetic and have trouble sustaining an erection without uncovered stimulation prior to covered intercourse. But by that point I was so enchanted intellectually, emotionally, sexually with Allegra that she could have offered to suck my cock with a vacuum cleaner and I'd have told her to have at. Actually, what transpired wasn't that far off the mark, albeit delightfully so.
She slipped on the condom and began sucking me. I have to admit that, mirabile dictu, there are now three women in Portland who can give a CBJ which is worthy of being called a blow job: Allegra, [redacted], and [redacted]. She has astoundingly strong suction, coupled with a profusion of wet, very deep strokes which she varies in speed and intensity, culminating in a rapid pistoning motion which brought my cockhead to the back of her throat without ceasing the exquisite suction for even a moment. I had to call her off or I would ejaculated then and there, which is an extraordinary feat for a CBJ.
I then beckoned her to lay across my lap as I stroked her back, and legs, and buttocks. I then commenced a session of barehanded spanking which met with her thoroughgoing approval as she leaned up into every stroke and expressed her pleasure with deep, throaty moans. At length I began to stroke her kitty, penetrating with first one, then two fingers. She pressed back against them eagerly as I frigged her, moaning and gasping. I wetted the index finger of my other hand and began playing with her arse, pressing it against her nethermost portal. It slipped inside and again she pressed against it, welcoming the penetration. We played at this for easily twenty minutes until she spent copiously, soaking the fingers in her cunny.
I told her them that I wanted to taste her. She reclined and I climbed between her thighs. Her kitty was picture-perfect, plump, inviting. As I probed it with my tongue, it opened to my ministrations and I spent quite a while licking from her very wet entrance to her engorging clit. She reached for my head and shoulders, guiding me to exactly where she wanted by tongue's attentions. I licked and lapped, suck her clit into my mouth, then beat a lingual tattoo against it. She began to thrust against my mouth. She cried out, moaning loudly, then screaming her delight (the thought that we were entertaining the neighbours crossed my mind several times). Her legs began to quiver as she spent against my mouth. I licked at her very softly to allow her to recover, and then I pleasantly discovered that Allegra is the sort of woman who can proceed easily from climax to climax with very little pause between. I continued to enjoy DATY and, from her motions and sounds, so did she. By this time our hour had surely concluded but she clearly didn't want me to stop. She is anything but a clockwatcher. I continued unabated for a very a long time and ceased only when I needed to give my tongue a break.
We cuddled, kissing and caressing, for a while after I had gone down on her. I was amazingly hard for a diabetic in late middle age and she begged to fuck me in this little girl-submissive voice. I could hardly fail to accommodate her. She mounted me in CG. Allegra has amazing vaginal muscles, almost a milking machine action, squeezing and massaging my cock with them. And once she has gotten fully aroused, she is almost violently enthusiastic, ramming her cunny down around my cock and grinding her pubis against mine, repeatedly and at speed, all the while grasping my cock with her inner muscles. At one point she stripped the condom clean off my cock and we narrowly avoided barebacking on the downstroke. We laughed at barely having avoided disaster and took a break as she sought another condom. We paused to embrace and kiss again.
She replaced the condom and began sucking me again to return me to maximal hardness. She was straddling my chest at the time, so I drew her back for some DATO and DATY, to which she responded with pleasure. Eventually I had a finger in her arse, two in her cunny, and my thumb rubbing her clit as she slurped vigourously on my willy. Suddenly she stiffened, her legs began shivering, quivering as she thrust her lower body back against my fingers, and she literally screamed around my cock, then thrust it to the back of her throat, sucking harder than ever before on the shaft. It was a bloody miracle. I came like a screaming banshee, something I have never before been able to do with a CBJ. We were both panting like marathoners at this point, bodies drenched in sweat. At length she slid off me, got a wet washcloth and gently cleaned me up.
She lay in my arms for the longest time, caressing each other, talking, and talking, and talking. The sex was world historical, but the talking, the sharing afterward was even better. I have only rarely before known a woman so intelligent, so articulate, so absolutely compelling a conversationalist, and I married one of the other two who matched her -- so it goes without saying that Allegra is as accomplished a companion as any man could possibly desire. She is just naturally gifted with the ability to see into a man's desires, his thoughts, his secret places, and can fill them with delight. She can make you laugh, she can make you cry at the beauty of her mind, she can indulge the utter depravity in a man's deepest parts and shriek with joy at the opportunity.
We were so long over time that I finally mentioned it. She responded by kissing me deeply and reaching for my cock. I warned her that it had been years since I'd managed a second cup in an afternoon. It mattered not a whit to her. Her kisses aroused and her caresses delighted, and to my amazement I was soon hard again. She straddled my chest again, applied a condom, and began to suck me again. I returned the favour, and soon I was fingering her cunny and her arse as before. She became even more aroused as we continued, urging me to use more fingers until I had three in her arse and three in her cunny, and a thumbing stroking her clit. She has a definite perchant for double digital penetration, riding my fingers to several orgasms in the forty-five minutes she sucked at my cock. I thought that another orgasm for me was impossible, but she persisted with a fierce insistence. She finally stripped off the condom and finished me with her hand. Again, I was amazed. It had been easily five or six years since a woman had procured a second cup from me in a single afternoon. And again we were covered in sweat and panting.
I drew her into my arms and kissed her passionately, and then we burst into laughter. Earlier she had told me that she preferred the CBJ because at this point in her she was leery of fluid exchanges with a partner. My upper body and face were then coated with the copious flow of her juices, and her cunny and arse were soaked with my spittle. We both got the irony in that fluid exchange at the same moment and enjoyed not a little mirth. At length she slid off me, got another warm washcloth, and cleaned me up.
We talked for a bit more and gradually put on our clothes. I was appalled to realise that one hour had stretched to three. I offered to compensate, but she refused, telling me that the afternoon had been hers to enjoy.
All in all my time with Allegra was the most thrilling session I've had with a provider in thirty-five years of punting. I suppose it was a function of our amazing degree of intellectual and emotional connection, and therefore not necessarily replicable for anyone else. But I do not doubt that her many, many skills -- conversational, intellectual, sexual -- will captivate almost any punter who is lucky enough to see her. She is genuinely a jewel beyond price, and I eagerly await the opportunity to spend time with her again before she off to graduate school at the end of the summer (fortuitously she tells me that she plans to take her school holidays in Portland and to continue her sex work while visiting her -- the look on her face was delicious when she shyly confessed that she was probably addicted to it). I could easily become addicted to her.
Read More......
Name: Allegra.
Website: [redacted]
Phone: She’ll give it to you after email or PM contact.
E-Mail: [redacted]
On Time: Yes.
Incall/Outcall: Incall.
General Location: Rose Quarter.
Age: 24.
Height: 5’6”.
Weight: 150.
Body Type: HWP.
Hair Color: Black.
Hair Length: Braided, relatively short.
Bra Size: 34C.
Looks Like Photos: Yes, although she posts no face pictures, and that conceals the fact that she is very beautiful.
Rate Overall Appearance: Simply gorgeous.
FS: Yes.
PSE or GFE: GFE (without BBBJ – see below).
Kisses: DFK.
French: Yes.
Cover/Uncover: Covered.
DATY: She insists on it.
Greek: Yes.
Refills: Yes, and, mirabile dictu, she managed to get two out of me, unheard of for the last 5-6 years.
Smokes: No.
Atmosphere: Deligthtful.
Personality: Brilliant, witty, sassy yet exquisitely submissive, utterly accommodating, thoroughly intriguing, one of the most fascinating women I've ever met.
Comments:
I met Allegra at a THH M&G. I was talking with BBW Veronica when this strikingly attractive young black woman wandered over an introduced herself to us. Being the sarcastic wise-ass that she is, Veronica mentioned that I was attracted only to women with very high IQs or who had studied Russian literature. Allegra never missed a beat, replying that Russian literature had been a major focus of her undergraduate degree. I couldn't resist -- knowing that providers in the past had given the impression of higher intellectual attainments than the truth could sustain -- "Vyi govoritye pa-russki?" [Do you speak Russian?] I asked. Without so much as a moment's pause, Allegra replied: "Da, pravilno, ya govoryu pa-russki" [Yes, correct, I speak Russian]. Veronica's jaw dropped in amazement (she really was thinking to bust my bollocks about my attraction to brainy women), and I was instantly smitten hard.
We retreated to the patio for privacy and talked for almost an hour. Until a couple of weeks before she had been a relatively senior administrator at a local college, having snagged the position almost immediately after graduation by virtue of her brilliance and a talent for organisation. She had left that post as she was preparing to move across the country, having been admitted to one of the most prestigious graduate programs in the nation in her chosen field, creative writing. She was filling in her summer before leaving with a foray into sex work. She told me that she had supplemented her income as an undergraduate with some sex work and that she had developed a taste for it, thinking someday to write something significant about her experiences. She was articulate, elegant, cultured -- in short exactly the sort of woman who sets me salivating with desire.
And we clicked. Oh, how we clicked. Her politics were leftist, as are mine. She knew who Anatoly Lunacharsky and Alexandra Kollontai were -- Bolsheviks who were active in cultural work after the Bolshevik revolution, ardent advocates of sex-positive feminism, and architects of the Free Love agenda in the Bolshevik Party (and it's damned rare you encounter a woman to whom those are household names). She'd done her senior thesis on an important early Soviet film and knew the politics of cultural questions in pre-Stalinist Russia intimately. She was finishing my sentences for me and I hers for her before the hour was out. I was utterly, abjectly charmed by this dark lady (Shakespearean allusion intended). I knew that I had to have her.
She messaged the day after the M&G, thanking me for the wonderful time we had had chatting, and inviting me to look at her website. I did, and I was thunderstruck. She advertises herself as "kink-friendly" and a number of photos on her website display her lovely body in various bondage positions. The words, Oh, fuckkkkk" literally passed my lips. She says she is a switch, but has mainly explored her submissive side. I've been a dominant in the leather community for almost thirty-five years. We had even more in common than I had thought. We commenced a correspondence and settled on a meeting time. I fell ill just before and had to reschedule. She was completely understanding.
The day we had set came and I arrived at the door to her hotel room. She opened the door, greeting me in a lovely little summer dress -- an LFK as she closed the door and we hugged. She showed me to the bed, bade me take a seat. We chatted a bit, and she helped me take off my clothes, hanging them up. I really like that in a provider, the attention to detail, the harbinger of service to come. She pointed out that she had brought a number of BDSM toys with her if we chose to enjoy them.
I should posit this here and now. Allegra and I were almost magically sympatico, almost mind-melded. Perhaps for others there may be an element of YMMV, but my experience was that she was desire incarnate and I was overjoyed to discover that, as high as my expectations had been, she exceeded them in every dimension.
She slipped off her dress, then straddled me as I sat on the edge of the bed. For the first time I observed that her nipples were pierced with barbell piercings (which made things more interesting still as manipulated and pinched those nipples later). She kissed me, long, deep French kisses, kisses which probed my mouth so deeply I thought she was seeking out my soul. Her technique is ardent, enthusiastic, drawing her partner into lengthy exchanges of lingual caresses. She had a mastery of perfect timing, teasing, hesitant, then demanding, then inviting. I could have happily spent eternity kissing her.
Her arms went around me, embracing; I ran my fingers up and down her sides. And then I made a discovery which surprised and thrilled me: she does not shave her armpits. As I've mentioned here before, I grew up in the UK, the son of an American defence contractor who traveled around Europe building facilities for the USAF. When I was growing up in the 1950s and 1960s, British women -- and, indeed, European women in general -- tended not to shave their underarms. As a consequence I came into my sexuality with a strong association between the hint of sex and tufts of hair peeking out from underarms. That fetish remains rather strong for me, and I was intoxicated to learn that, unknown to me, Allegra embodied that fetish of my youth. I took my time to explore her body.
Eventually I leaned back, drawing her onto me, kissing her again and again. She reached for a cover and slipped between my legs. Normally I eschew anything but a BBBJ, since I'm diabetic and have trouble sustaining an erection without uncovered stimulation prior to covered intercourse. But by that point I was so enchanted intellectually, emotionally, sexually with Allegra that she could have offered to suck my cock with a vacuum cleaner and I'd have told her to have at. Actually, what transpired wasn't that far off the mark, albeit delightfully so.
She slipped on the condom and began sucking me. I have to admit that, mirabile dictu, there are now three women in Portland who can give a CBJ which is worthy of being called a blow job: Allegra, [redacted], and [redacted]. She has astoundingly strong suction, coupled with a profusion of wet, very deep strokes which she varies in speed and intensity, culminating in a rapid pistoning motion which brought my cockhead to the back of her throat without ceasing the exquisite suction for even a moment. I had to call her off or I would ejaculated then and there, which is an extraordinary feat for a CBJ.
I then beckoned her to lay across my lap as I stroked her back, and legs, and buttocks. I then commenced a session of barehanded spanking which met with her thoroughgoing approval as she leaned up into every stroke and expressed her pleasure with deep, throaty moans. At length I began to stroke her kitty, penetrating with first one, then two fingers. She pressed back against them eagerly as I frigged her, moaning and gasping. I wetted the index finger of my other hand and began playing with her arse, pressing it against her nethermost portal. It slipped inside and again she pressed against it, welcoming the penetration. We played at this for easily twenty minutes until she spent copiously, soaking the fingers in her cunny.
I told her them that I wanted to taste her. She reclined and I climbed between her thighs. Her kitty was picture-perfect, plump, inviting. As I probed it with my tongue, it opened to my ministrations and I spent quite a while licking from her very wet entrance to her engorging clit. She reached for my head and shoulders, guiding me to exactly where she wanted by tongue's attentions. I licked and lapped, suck her clit into my mouth, then beat a lingual tattoo against it. She began to thrust against my mouth. She cried out, moaning loudly, then screaming her delight (the thought that we were entertaining the neighbours crossed my mind several times). Her legs began to quiver as she spent against my mouth. I licked at her very softly to allow her to recover, and then I pleasantly discovered that Allegra is the sort of woman who can proceed easily from climax to climax with very little pause between. I continued to enjoy DATY and, from her motions and sounds, so did she. By this time our hour had surely concluded but she clearly didn't want me to stop. She is anything but a clockwatcher. I continued unabated for a very a long time and ceased only when I needed to give my tongue a break.
We cuddled, kissing and caressing, for a while after I had gone down on her. I was amazingly hard for a diabetic in late middle age and she begged to fuck me in this little girl-submissive voice. I could hardly fail to accommodate her. She mounted me in CG. Allegra has amazing vaginal muscles, almost a milking machine action, squeezing and massaging my cock with them. And once she has gotten fully aroused, she is almost violently enthusiastic, ramming her cunny down around my cock and grinding her pubis against mine, repeatedly and at speed, all the while grasping my cock with her inner muscles. At one point she stripped the condom clean off my cock and we narrowly avoided barebacking on the downstroke. We laughed at barely having avoided disaster and took a break as she sought another condom. We paused to embrace and kiss again.
She replaced the condom and began sucking me again to return me to maximal hardness. She was straddling my chest at the time, so I drew her back for some DATO and DATY, to which she responded with pleasure. Eventually I had a finger in her arse, two in her cunny, and my thumb rubbing her clit as she slurped vigourously on my willy. Suddenly she stiffened, her legs began shivering, quivering as she thrust her lower body back against my fingers, and she literally screamed around my cock, then thrust it to the back of her throat, sucking harder than ever before on the shaft. It was a bloody miracle. I came like a screaming banshee, something I have never before been able to do with a CBJ. We were both panting like marathoners at this point, bodies drenched in sweat. At length she slid off me, got a wet washcloth and gently cleaned me up.
She lay in my arms for the longest time, caressing each other, talking, and talking, and talking. The sex was world historical, but the talking, the sharing afterward was even better. I have only rarely before known a woman so intelligent, so articulate, so absolutely compelling a conversationalist, and I married one of the other two who matched her -- so it goes without saying that Allegra is as accomplished a companion as any man could possibly desire. She is just naturally gifted with the ability to see into a man's desires, his thoughts, his secret places, and can fill them with delight. She can make you laugh, she can make you cry at the beauty of her mind, she can indulge the utter depravity in a man's deepest parts and shriek with joy at the opportunity.
We were so long over time that I finally mentioned it. She responded by kissing me deeply and reaching for my cock. I warned her that it had been years since I'd managed a second cup in an afternoon. It mattered not a whit to her. Her kisses aroused and her caresses delighted, and to my amazement I was soon hard again. She straddled my chest again, applied a condom, and began to suck me again. I returned the favour, and soon I was fingering her cunny and her arse as before. She became even more aroused as we continued, urging me to use more fingers until I had three in her arse and three in her cunny, and a thumbing stroking her clit. She has a definite perchant for double digital penetration, riding my fingers to several orgasms in the forty-five minutes she sucked at my cock. I thought that another orgasm for me was impossible, but she persisted with a fierce insistence. She finally stripped off the condom and finished me with her hand. Again, I was amazed. It had been easily five or six years since a woman had procured a second cup from me in a single afternoon. And again we were covered in sweat and panting.
I drew her into my arms and kissed her passionately, and then we burst into laughter. Earlier she had told me that she preferred the CBJ because at this point in her she was leery of fluid exchanges with a partner. My upper body and face were then coated with the copious flow of her juices, and her cunny and arse were soaked with my spittle. We both got the irony in that fluid exchange at the same moment and enjoyed not a little mirth. At length she slid off me, got another warm washcloth, and cleaned me up.
We talked for a bit more and gradually put on our clothes. I was appalled to realise that one hour had stretched to three. I offered to compensate, but she refused, telling me that the afternoon had been hers to enjoy.
All in all my time with Allegra was the most thrilling session I've had with a provider in thirty-five years of punting. I suppose it was a function of our amazing degree of intellectual and emotional connection, and therefore not necessarily replicable for anyone else. But I do not doubt that her many, many skills -- conversational, intellectual, sexual -- will captivate almost any punter who is lucky enough to see her. She is genuinely a jewel beyond price, and I eagerly await the opportunity to spend time with her again before she off to graduate school at the end of the summer (fortuitously she tells me that she plans to take her school holidays in Portland and to continue her sex work while visiting her -- the look on her face was delicious when she shyly confessed that she was probably addicted to it). I could easily become addicted to her.
Read More......
10 June 2009
i would go out tonight, but i haven't got a stitch to wear.
free will astrology knows that i'm attempting to order my physical space in an attempt to better order my psychic space:
In honor of the karmic clean-up phase of your astrological cycle, I invite you to do the following exercise: Imagine a pit in the middle of a desert that holds everything you've ever used up, spoiled, and outgrown. Your old furniture is here, along with stuff like once-favorite clothes, CDs, and empty boxes of your favorite cereal. But this garbage dump also contains subtler trash, like photos that capture cherished dreams you gave up on, mementoes from failed relationships, and symbols of defunct beliefs and self-images you used to cling to. Everything that is dead to you is gathered here. Got that vision in your mind's eye? Now picture yourself dousing the big heap of stuff with gasoline and setting it on fire. Watch it burn.
i downloaded a bunch of new music over the weekend [over 600 songs]. i'm finally hopping on the lykke li bandwagon; i'm listening to a lot of passion pit and serge gainsbourg, too. crafting my summer playlists, throwing things away, setting things aside to sell. i was going to have a garage sale this summer, but my housemate isn't ready and she wants me to wait until she gets back from mexico. i guess things can live in the basement until the end of the month, but i definitely want stuff out of my garrett.
i got back from iowa on thursday and got a new tattoo on friday. i absolutely love it. the inside of my left wrist now says "alis volat propriis," which is oregon's state motto. "she flies on her own wings." every time i look at it, i get stronger.
charles will be here sometime between sunday and tuesday. i went on a third date with joshua on friday and it went well. Read More......
In honor of the karmic clean-up phase of your astrological cycle, I invite you to do the following exercise: Imagine a pit in the middle of a desert that holds everything you've ever used up, spoiled, and outgrown. Your old furniture is here, along with stuff like once-favorite clothes, CDs, and empty boxes of your favorite cereal. But this garbage dump also contains subtler trash, like photos that capture cherished dreams you gave up on, mementoes from failed relationships, and symbols of defunct beliefs and self-images you used to cling to. Everything that is dead to you is gathered here. Got that vision in your mind's eye? Now picture yourself dousing the big heap of stuff with gasoline and setting it on fire. Watch it burn.
i downloaded a bunch of new music over the weekend [over 600 songs]. i'm finally hopping on the lykke li bandwagon; i'm listening to a lot of passion pit and serge gainsbourg, too. crafting my summer playlists, throwing things away, setting things aside to sell. i was going to have a garage sale this summer, but my housemate isn't ready and she wants me to wait until she gets back from mexico. i guess things can live in the basement until the end of the month, but i definitely want stuff out of my garrett.
i got back from iowa on thursday and got a new tattoo on friday. i absolutely love it. the inside of my left wrist now says "alis volat propriis," which is oregon's state motto. "she flies on her own wings." every time i look at it, i get stronger.
charles will be here sometime between sunday and tuesday. i went on a third date with joshua on friday and it went well. Read More......
03 June 2009
fear is the mindkiller.
"You may want to smash a painful emotion to bits, but you can't blow it up with a nuclear bomb," wrote Tsoknyi Rinpoche in his book Fearless Simplicity. What makes the situation even more poignant is that the painful emotion may be based on a wrong interpretation of experience. It may also be caused by some faulty conditioning that got imprinted on your sensitive psyche when you were a toddler. Having said that, Cancerian, I'm pleased to inform you that you currently have the power to significantly dissipate the intensity of a certain painful emotion you thought you'd never shake. To initiate the process, invoke forgiveness in every way you can imagine -- toward those who hurt you, those who ignored you, those who misled you, and you yourself.
today, i found an apartment, did a lot of walking, and became less afraid. Read More......
today, i found an apartment, did a lot of walking, and became less afraid. Read More......
01 June 2009
telling, but not showing.
Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can't move.
Awake, but cannot open my eyes.
And the weight is crushing down on my lungs, I know I can't breathe.
And hope someone will save me this time.
And your mother's still calling you insane and high
Swearing it's different this time.
And you tell her to give in to the demons that possess her
And that God never blessed her insides.
Then you hang up the phone and feel badly for upsetting things
And crawl back into bed to dream of a time
When your heart was open wide and you loved things just because
Like the sick and the dying.
And sometimes when you're on, you're really fucking on
And your friends they sing along and they love you.
But the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence.
But you'll fight and you'll make it through
You'll fake it if you have to and you'll show up for work with a smile
You'll be better and you'll be smarter and more grown up
And a better daughter or son and a real good friend
And you'll be awake, you'll be alert, you'll be positive though it hurts
And you'll laugh and embrace all your friends
You'll be a real good listener, you'll be honest, you'll be brave
You'll be handsome and you'll be beautiful.
You'll be happy.
Your ship may be coming in.
You're weak, but not giving in
To the cries and the wails of the valley below.
And your ship may be coming in.
You're weak, but not giving in.
And you'll fight it, you'll go out fighting all of them.
i'm having a hard time facing myself as of late. the lack of entries here is just one symptom. the extreme mess in my room – the one i only started to tidy yesterday – is another. i did a lot of feeling at the beginning of may. i thought and i treated myself better than i have in a really long time. since then, however, i've been super, super high-functioning, but more than a little disengaged. the summer feels so huge that it's scaring me. i know that fear will not help me manifest the things that i need at this time, but i can feel doubt starting to creep in again and i'm not even giving it the attention it needs for me to banish it properly.
things have happened. i've finished my job at that place. i made a tiny speech at my going away party that made me feel really good about the way i'm leaving. i went another date with joshua and did something mortifying, but managed to be charming through it and after, and he was very nice about it the whole time. the story is funny and gives even me a touch of the schadenfreude, so i will save it for another time.
i just spoke to charles for nearly an hour - speaking with him almost always makes me feel better – and he pointed out something very important. i'm only in a tizzy, he said, because i do not like being without a plan and there is space between my old plans and my later plans. "i don't have much sympathy for that," he said gently. i have chosen to give myself this break, but am having trouble enjoying it the way i planned. i mean, it just started on friday, so i probably shouldn't be eulogizing it yet, but i have so much time. maybe this little trip to iowa city will get me on the right track. i can pick out a place to live and meet some people and start to paint a clearer picture of my later plans. oh yeah, yesterday, with $160 and frequent flier miles that i had hoped to save for flying to wherever charles is over winter break, i bought a plane ticket to go to iowa tomorrow morning. i have a 6:30am flight – here's hoping i don't miss this one – and i'm only staying until thursday afternoon, so i have to make it count.
i've started cleaning. that's a good sign. i've put the winteriest items in my wardrobe in/on my trunk and pulled out all of my summer dresses, even this very expensive dress i bought in 2005 that i've only allowed myself to wear twice because the guilt i feel over its cost is so bad. i'm thinking about having a garage sale next weekend or the one after. i've set aside things to sell and donate. i've booked a trip to nyc for which my client is paying. i'm doing some things right, but i'm not really letting myself feel good about that. last week's free will astrology was right on the money:
One of the tastiest frogs in the world is at risk of dying out as a species. The "mountain chicken" frog, once a fixture on the chain of Caribbean islands known as Montserrat, has become endangered through loss of habitat, disease, and over-hunting by humans. In response to the crisis, conservationists have airlifted a number of survivors to new homes, attempting to save their kind from extinction. I think it's time for you to arrange a comparable intervention of your own, Cancerian. A sweet and delicious part of you or your world is not exactly thriving, and needs some strenuous help and care.
on a positive note: i'm still sti-free. sweet. kaiser scared the shit out of me today, though. all of my results came in electronically last week except for the herpes 1 & 2 test. while i was at lunch today, i got a voicemail telling me to call. i sat on hold for 20 minutes while sweating balls because it was hot in my attic and for the other more obvious reason. turns out, they called me just to tell me that i didn't have herpes. stellar care. Read More......
Awake, but cannot open my eyes.
And the weight is crushing down on my lungs, I know I can't breathe.
And hope someone will save me this time.
And your mother's still calling you insane and high
Swearing it's different this time.
And you tell her to give in to the demons that possess her
And that God never blessed her insides.
Then you hang up the phone and feel badly for upsetting things
And crawl back into bed to dream of a time
When your heart was open wide and you loved things just because
Like the sick and the dying.
And sometimes when you're on, you're really fucking on
And your friends they sing along and they love you.
But the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence.
But you'll fight and you'll make it through
You'll fake it if you have to and you'll show up for work with a smile
You'll be better and you'll be smarter and more grown up
And a better daughter or son and a real good friend
And you'll be awake, you'll be alert, you'll be positive though it hurts
And you'll laugh and embrace all your friends
You'll be a real good listener, you'll be honest, you'll be brave
You'll be handsome and you'll be beautiful.
You'll be happy.
Your ship may be coming in.
You're weak, but not giving in
To the cries and the wails of the valley below.
And your ship may be coming in.
You're weak, but not giving in.
And you'll fight it, you'll go out fighting all of them.
i'm having a hard time facing myself as of late. the lack of entries here is just one symptom. the extreme mess in my room – the one i only started to tidy yesterday – is another. i did a lot of feeling at the beginning of may. i thought and i treated myself better than i have in a really long time. since then, however, i've been super, super high-functioning, but more than a little disengaged. the summer feels so huge that it's scaring me. i know that fear will not help me manifest the things that i need at this time, but i can feel doubt starting to creep in again and i'm not even giving it the attention it needs for me to banish it properly.
things have happened. i've finished my job at that place. i made a tiny speech at my going away party that made me feel really good about the way i'm leaving. i went another date with joshua and did something mortifying, but managed to be charming through it and after, and he was very nice about it the whole time. the story is funny and gives even me a touch of the schadenfreude, so i will save it for another time.
i just spoke to charles for nearly an hour - speaking with him almost always makes me feel better – and he pointed out something very important. i'm only in a tizzy, he said, because i do not like being without a plan and there is space between my old plans and my later plans. "i don't have much sympathy for that," he said gently. i have chosen to give myself this break, but am having trouble enjoying it the way i planned. i mean, it just started on friday, so i probably shouldn't be eulogizing it yet, but i have so much time. maybe this little trip to iowa city will get me on the right track. i can pick out a place to live and meet some people and start to paint a clearer picture of my later plans. oh yeah, yesterday, with $160 and frequent flier miles that i had hoped to save for flying to wherever charles is over winter break, i bought a plane ticket to go to iowa tomorrow morning. i have a 6:30am flight – here's hoping i don't miss this one – and i'm only staying until thursday afternoon, so i have to make it count.
i've started cleaning. that's a good sign. i've put the winteriest items in my wardrobe in/on my trunk and pulled out all of my summer dresses, even this very expensive dress i bought in 2005 that i've only allowed myself to wear twice because the guilt i feel over its cost is so bad. i'm thinking about having a garage sale next weekend or the one after. i've set aside things to sell and donate. i've booked a trip to nyc for which my client is paying. i'm doing some things right, but i'm not really letting myself feel good about that. last week's free will astrology was right on the money:
One of the tastiest frogs in the world is at risk of dying out as a species. The "mountain chicken" frog, once a fixture on the chain of Caribbean islands known as Montserrat, has become endangered through loss of habitat, disease, and over-hunting by humans. In response to the crisis, conservationists have airlifted a number of survivors to new homes, attempting to save their kind from extinction. I think it's time for you to arrange a comparable intervention of your own, Cancerian. A sweet and delicious part of you or your world is not exactly thriving, and needs some strenuous help and care.
on a positive note: i'm still sti-free. sweet. kaiser scared the shit out of me today, though. all of my results came in electronically last week except for the herpes 1 & 2 test. while i was at lunch today, i got a voicemail telling me to call. i sat on hold for 20 minutes while sweating balls because it was hot in my attic and for the other more obvious reason. turns out, they called me just to tell me that i didn't have herpes. stellar care. Read More......
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
